ATL Zoo

After the Temple Open House and some lunch, Charlie and I were ready to zonk out. We had originally planned on going to the Atlanta Zoo that day but we were exhausted. Not to be discouraged by my incessant whining and protests, John made us go anyway and we had a good time. I was surprised Charlie behaved so well considering he got hardly any sleep the night before and only a 30 minute nap in the car.

John watching the silver back apes. He was seriously freaking out over these apes. He thought they were the coolest thing ever. That's how he was the entire time: like a little kid. He was practically skipping as he dragged me along.

Daddy and Charlie watching the monkeys. Charlie LOVES monkeys. That's the only thing he wanted to see.

Some hideous orangutans that reminded me of Paul Giamatti in that awful 2001 "Planet of the Apes" movie. My sis-in-law Mari says every time she sees Paul Giamatti she thinks of orangutans. Makes sense.

Now, this . . . this is my guy. I know this is weird but the reptile house is always my favorite part of the zoo. I know it's weird but I really like snakes and lizards. I would never own one as a pet because I think keeping animals in your house in general is gross (even though I grew up with inside dogs, cats and rabbits!) but I like reptiles a heck of a lot better than cats. Anyway, this guy was so huge! I thought it was so amazing. As you can tell from the look on his scaly face, the feeling was mutual. Seriously, if I started to walk away, he would watch me. I think we had a "moment." I was tempted to throw a saddle on that guy and ride him off into the sunset . . . that is, if I didn't think he'd take a bite out of my leg the first chance he got. Still, we'll always have the zoo . . . sigh.

My second favorite part of the zoo--pandas! So adorable.

Charlie watching the mama panda indoors with her new baby.

There's a little stamp machine around the panda area where you can get a panda stamp on your hand. Well, I took it a little far.

Yup, that is one hot panda tat on my foot. The people watching were cracking up but John was embarrassed (even though he gave himself a panda "Dark Mark" inside his forearm) so I stopped playing with the machine. If it hadn't been for that, I would've totally given myself a panda tramp stamp.

Amazing lion! Who does his hair?
Charlie the lion.

After the zoo, we asked Charlie what his favorite part was. He said his new truck (we got him a $4.50 souvenir truck). Wow. We could've saved $75 had we known that . . .

Atlanta Temple Open House

Back in April, John took a Friday off so we could attend the Atlanta Temple Open House. It's been closed for 2 years for renovations and they were having an open house for the public. That meant that Charlie could go inside. Originally, we were not planning on going. I was having (as usual) health issues and really didn't want to drag a 3 year old through an hour tour where he had to be quiet. At church one Sunday, John felt really strongly we needed to go. The day we had to leave, I got really sick. I felt miserable and really didn't feel like going. I decided to take one for the team and just go. If we really needed to go, it'd work out.

We got a nice hotel just a mile from the temple . . . John has a lot of points since he travels so much so we got the room for free! Charlie was very excited to stay in a hotel (he was too little to remember the last time he did). John got one with a living room, thinking Charlie could sleep in the fold out bed. Um, yeah. That didn't work. In the end, all 3 of us wound up in the (thankfully) king size bed. For a few moments (and a know this sounds strange), it really felt like heaven to me. We still live with my parents and so it's hard sometimes for the three of us to feel like our own family. I felt so happy to just be with my boys. Of course, Charlie didn't fall asleep until 2 a.m. and proceeded to wake up several times in the night screaming nonsense. He's a horrible sleeper at home and I guess the change of scenery really messed him up. Oh well, moving forward . . .

We made it to the open house! It seemed like a miracle to me since I was feeling so sick. To protect the new flooring, everyone had to wear plastic "booties" on their feet. Charlie refused to wear them. I have yet to decide if this was a fashion decision (he really loves his saddle shoes) or just a toddler's predisposition to be difficult for no reason. (Ironically, when I asked him the other day what he liked best about the temple, he said, "Everyone wearing those white bodies." He meant booties. I hope.) So, we had to carry the boy through the whole thing. I never thought I'd say this but that kid has gotten heavy! We had to take turns hauling him through the temple. He was pretty good at being quiet and whispering.

I personally was struck at the feeling walking through the temple. The prophet had not dedicated the temple for the use of ordinances yet so I expected it to seem just like a pretty building inside. I was overwhelmed by the feeling of the Spirit walking through the temple, especially with Charlie. I just had the undeniable feeling that this was the Lord's house and that families truly are forever.

After the tour, there was a reception with cookies. Whoever made the decision to serve cookies obviously doesn't have a toddler or hasn't had one in a long time. This is the result of said cookie: sugar rush in the temple courtyard.

Our little family!

Southern Lights

Being the dance coordinator for Signal Mtn. for the cultural celebration surrounding the rededication of the Atlanta temple was such a blessing. It was such a spiritual experience and I'm grateful for it. The youth in our branch are amazing. They understood what a privilege it was to perform for the prophet and participated willingly and happily. I never got any grief . . . although I may have threatened to flush a cell phone down the toilet . . . these kids and texting. Sigh! There's also the incessant talking that comes with teenagers but the older Young Men became very good at yelling "SHUT-UP!" to the younger boys. I appreciated that, believe it or not!

Anyway, it was amazing how well everything came together. The Young Men had very difficult choreography and we worked our butts off (literally--I lost 4 pounds!). It was definitely not the "coolest" routine but it was the most challenging and they did amazing. I didn't get to attend the actual celebration but I watched the broadcast at the church. The spirit at that event was so strong. President Monson said several times that he is an "advocate for these kinds of events." I am too. After participating in two Road Shows and this cultural event, these sort of performances really bring a sense of unity to members. The youth looked out for each other and helped one another.

In the end, this was not about steps or 8 counts. It was about following the prophet's counsel and about celebrating the temple. This experience has strengthened my testimony in a living prophet, temples and in a loving Heavenly Father. With all my health issues I almost turned the calling down because I wasn't sure I could do it. In the end, the calling was a blessing to me. I love to dance and I love working with the youth. Every Wednesday night, I'd be nervous driving to the church. But as soon as I came in, despite the wrestling boys and giggly girls I immediately felt the spirit. There were nights that I was in a lot of pain but I was able to not only get through teaching the dances but to feel peace. Peace . . . that is what I felt at every rehearsal. I know that sounds strange since I was basically yelling "5, 6, 7, 8" the whole time but on the inside I felt so at peace. I was very sad for it to be over. I miss the company of the young men and young women and I miss that feeling of peace.

The last rehearsal, I made the youth have a dance battle, boys vs. girls. I picked 3 judges and I even made a disco ball trophy for the winners! To even it out, I told them they would have to dance to the same mystery song. I played Rebecca Black's "Friday" and all the kids busted up laughing and cheered. It was pretty hilarious to see them trying to do salsa and soldier choreography to that song. The girls ended up winning though I still think the boys should've gotten more points for sheer enthusiasm (and for knowledge of the lyrics . . . I swear they know that song better than the girls!).

To sum it all up, amazing. I made a little commemorative video I've been shoving down everyone's throats because I'm very proud of it. It was the perfect way to end the chapter for me and to have memories of this awesome experience. Here it is! Take it away, Rebecca!

Some Thoughts on Mudder's Day

Mothers Day is such a strange day. It's sort of like Christmas in that for some people it's a beautiful holiday to be celebrated and for others, it's absolute misery. I look forward to it because I like getting a break and getting a present or two. Still, there's something about Mothers Day that doesn't sit right with me personally. It's been bothering me all day so I figure if I blog it out maybe I'll figure it out.

Growing up, I never wanted to be a mom. I don't remember even having any baby dolls--I was a Barbie girl ("in a Barbie world"--you knew that was coming). I remember girls in Young Women (at church) saying they wanted to be moms when they grew up and I didn't get it. I've always liked kids but never had a desire to be a mother. There, I said it. Even though I'm a mother know, I still felt guilty typing that sentence. I do have career goals and aspirations but that wasn't what got in the way . . . I simply didn't want to have kids. I always knew deep down I would have kids but I pushed that thought way back into the recesses of my mind.

I had a great childhood and came from a stable (well, depending on your point of view . . . my family is pretty nuts but not abusive nuts at least) LDS home. My mom stayed at home with us, took care of us. She's the best cook ever and we really never had a lot of chores. She did everything and so it was pretty cushy. My mom never did anything to make me not want to be like her. I just am not like her.

Now let's really get to it: motherhood terrifies me. I think that's the real deal. First of all, pregnancy and childbirth were my biggest fears growing up, honestly. Even though I lived through it, I'm still scared. I had some complications during and after childbirth that emotionally scarred me. At the time, I didn't know I was hypothyroid and along with the overwhelming pain I was enduring due to the complications, I quickly plummeted into full on post-partum depression. I was depressed for a very long time but didn't know it. I described it to a friend once as feeling like you were drowning but didn't realize it until you were able to poke your head up out of the water for air. A few moments of clarity during depression are very scary and if you feel that way, go see a doctor right away.

Obviously, because of the health and emotional issues I was feeling, I didn't bond very well with Charlie in the beginning. Because of complications, I couldn't breastfeed which only added to my guilt. I was so overwhelmed by everything that I didn't even keep a baby book for him. The thought of keeping up with every milestone just made me want to scream. I know you must think I'm horrible but that's how I honestly felt.

I didn't find out until a year ago that I had a thyroid problem and so for most of Charlie's life, I've been depressed and/or sick. Depression is a funny thing and it makes you feel things that aren't true. I think I feel I cheated Charlie because of all the health issues I've had. I think that's why this day is a little hard for me. I feel guilty. I hear people talk about their newborn babies and how much love they have for them and I just feel empty because I never felt that. Not because I'm a heartless beast but because my body and brain were so screwed up from hormones and constant pain.

The worst part about all this is that part of me feels that all this is punishment for not wanting kids in the first place. It's almost as if life is saying, "See? You were never meant to be a mother. You're horrible at it." I honestly feel that way sometimes. Because of all my health issues, I can't have any more children and it makes me sad sometimes because I wish I had a "do-over." No one is perfect but I feel sometimes that I really screwed up this whole motherhood thing and I'm being punished.

I have such a beautiful, smart, funny, amazing little boy and I feel I don't deserve him. So it's hard for me today a little bit. It's hard for me every day. I'm not the most patient person and Charlie is what people call a "free spirit." I just don't feel good enough for him. I'm not a naturally nurturing person. I'm very direct with him, like I am with everything. It's hard to get punched in the face every day (those of you with boys understand) and then coo on Mothers Day about how wonderful it all is. I guess that's the other part that bugs me. I call it like I see it and motherhood as a whole is a dirty, bloody, exhausting undertaking. I don't like the Hallmark version because I don't feel it represents my experience and I know I'm not alone. I had to give a talk on Mothers Day once and I was very frank about how hard it is. I had several people come up to me and say, "My, that was honest." I wasn't negative, I mean, obviously I used the scriptures and quotes from the apostles but some people for whatever reason refuse to talk about or acknowledge the bloody (or poopy! Or pukey!) details.

At the same time, I struggle every day with Charlie and I only have one child. Truth be told, I do have several health conditions and I am in pain about 85% of the time. But it's so hard because I see women with several children who seem to do just fine and here I am in a breakdown because of one child.

John and I have had to live with my parents for several years and that does add another element of stress and strain. It's hard to parent when your mother is around. I'm extra sensitive because I care a little too much what people think of me sometimes and who do you want to impress more than your own mother? And to be honest, half the time I think she's horrified by my parenting style. So that doesn't help either.

I guess in the end I just don't feel good enough for any of this and it's hard to deal with. One of Charlie's favorite movies is "Meet the Robinsons." The movie's motto is "Keep moving forward" and Charlie says it all the time. I don't think that's a coincidence. That's all I can do at this point is keep moving forward. I don't know how to get past all of these feelings but I do know I don't want to be a scary, depresso mom. I don't want to be Mommy Dearest but I know I can't be June Cleaver (even though I really, really would love to look like her every day). I've got to find what's right for me and my family. It's been a hard few years. I used to complain to my mom about how hard having a baby was after Charlie was first born. She'd say, "But isn't it worth it?" I would tell her I honestly didn't know. It was so hard to feel anything. I can say it definitely is worth it. All that I've gone through, it's all worth it to have Charles Bentley Flynn in the world. Even if he was yelling inappropriate things during Primary today as I just found out . . .

He's not just quips, though. This morning, I was trying to get him out of bed for church.

Me: Charlie, you need to get up so we can go to church.

Charlie: Tell you what. If I go to church, I will make you breakfast for Mudder's Day.

(A great example of one of Charlie's famous negotiations that make no sense. Lately, every other sentence starts, "Tell you what . . .")

He is a sweet little man and he is definitely worth it all. I just wish I gave him more. I am grateful he was too little to remember all this so from now on I have to be on my game!

I hope I haven't offended anyone because I'm sure I've freaked out everyone else. That's okay. All in the name of honesty on a holiday that isn't always so honest.

I do, however, wish you a sincerely Happy Mothers Day and wish that you can hold on to the good things about mothers today and not the bad. Like I just did.