Mothers Day is such a strange day. It's sort of like Christmas in that for some people it's a beautiful holiday to be celebrated and for others, it's absolute misery. I look forward to it because I like getting a break and getting a present or two. Still, there's something about Mothers Day that doesn't sit right with me personally. It's been bothering me all day so I figure if I blog it out maybe I'll figure it out.
Growing up, I never wanted to be a mom. I don't remember even having any baby dolls--I was a Barbie girl ("in a Barbie world"--you knew that was coming). I remember girls in Young Women (at church) saying they wanted to be moms when they grew up and I didn't get it. I've always liked kids but never had a desire to be a mother. There, I said it. Even though I'm a mother know, I still felt guilty typing that sentence. I do have career goals and aspirations but that wasn't what got in the way . . . I simply didn't want to have kids. I always knew deep down I would have kids but I pushed that thought way back into the recesses of my mind.
I had a great childhood and came from a stable (well, depending on your point of view . . . my family is pretty nuts but not abusive nuts at least) LDS home. My mom stayed at home with us, took care of us. She's the best cook ever and we really never had a lot of chores. She did everything and so it was pretty cushy. My mom never did anything to make me not want to be like her. I just am not like her.
Now let's really get to it: motherhood terrifies me. I think that's the real deal. First of all, pregnancy and childbirth were my biggest fears growing up, honestly. Even though I lived through it, I'm still scared. I had some complications during and after childbirth that emotionally scarred me. At the time, I didn't know I was hypothyroid and along with the overwhelming pain I was enduring due to the complications, I quickly plummeted into full on post-partum depression. I was depressed for a very long time but didn't know it. I described it to a friend once as feeling like you were drowning but didn't realize it until you were able to poke your head up out of the water for air. A few moments of clarity during depression are very scary and if you feel that way, go see a doctor right away.
Obviously, because of the health and emotional issues I was feeling, I didn't bond very well with Charlie in the beginning. Because of complications, I couldn't breastfeed which only added to my guilt. I was so overwhelmed by everything that I didn't even keep a baby book for him. The thought of keeping up with every milestone just made me want to scream. I know you must think I'm horrible but that's how I honestly felt.
I didn't find out until a year ago that I had a thyroid problem and so for most of Charlie's life, I've been depressed and/or sick. Depression is a funny thing and it makes you feel things that aren't true. I think I feel I cheated Charlie because of all the health issues I've had. I think that's why this day is a little hard for me. I feel guilty. I hear people talk about their newborn babies and how much love they have for them and I just feel empty because I never felt that. Not because I'm a heartless beast but because my body and brain were so screwed up from hormones and constant pain.
The worst part about all this is that part of me feels that all this is punishment for not wanting kids in the first place. It's almost as if life is saying, "See? You were never meant to be a mother. You're horrible at it." I honestly feel that way sometimes. Because of all my health issues, I can't have any more children and it makes me sad sometimes because I wish I had a "do-over." No one is perfect but I feel sometimes that I really screwed up this whole motherhood thing and I'm being punished.
I have such a beautiful, smart, funny, amazing little boy and I feel I don't deserve him. So it's hard for me today a little bit. It's hard for me every day. I'm not the most patient person and Charlie is what people call a "free spirit." I just don't feel good enough for him. I'm not a naturally nurturing person. I'm very direct with him, like I am with everything. It's hard to get punched in the face every day (those of you with boys understand) and then coo on Mothers Day about how wonderful it all is. I guess that's the other part that bugs me. I call it like I see it and motherhood as a whole is a dirty, bloody, exhausting undertaking. I don't like the Hallmark version because I don't feel it represents my experience and I know I'm not alone. I had to give a talk on Mothers Day once and I was very frank about how hard it is. I had several people come up to me and say, "My, that was honest." I wasn't negative, I mean, obviously I used the scriptures and quotes from the apostles but some people for whatever reason refuse to talk about or acknowledge the bloody (or poopy! Or pukey!) details.
At the same time, I struggle every day with Charlie and I only have one child. Truth be told, I do have several health conditions and I am in pain about 85% of the time. But it's so hard because I see women with several children who seem to do just fine and here I am in a breakdown because of one child.
John and I have had to live with my parents for several years and that does add another element of stress and strain. It's hard to parent when your mother is around. I'm extra sensitive because I care a little too much what people think of me sometimes and who do you want to impress more than your own mother? And to be honest, half the time I think she's horrified by my parenting style. So that doesn't help either.
I guess in the end I just don't feel good enough for any of this and it's hard to deal with. One of Charlie's favorite movies is "Meet the Robinsons." The movie's motto is "Keep moving forward" and Charlie says it all the time. I don't think that's a coincidence. That's all I can do at this point is keep moving forward. I don't know how to get past all of these feelings but I do know I don't want to be a scary, depresso mom. I don't want to be Mommy Dearest but I know I can't be June Cleaver (even though I really, really would love to look like her every day). I've got to find what's right for me and my family. It's been a hard few years. I used to complain to my mom about how hard having a baby was after Charlie was first born. She'd say, "But isn't it worth it?" I would tell her I honestly didn't know. It was so hard to feel anything. I can say it definitely is worth it. All that I've gone through, it's all worth it to have Charles Bentley Flynn in the world. Even if he was yelling inappropriate things during Primary today as I just found out . . .
He's not just quips, though. This morning, I was trying to get him out of bed for church.
Me: Charlie, you need to get up so we can go to church.
Charlie: Tell you what. If I go to church, I will make you breakfast for Mudder's Day.
(A great example of one of Charlie's famous negotiations that make no sense. Lately, every other sentence starts, "Tell you what . . .")
He is a sweet little man and he is definitely worth it all. I just wish I gave him more. I am grateful he was too little to remember all this so from now on I have to be on my game!
I hope I haven't offended anyone because I'm sure I've freaked out everyone else. That's okay. All in the name of honesty on a holiday that isn't always so honest.
I do, however, wish you a sincerely Happy Mothers Day and wish that you can hold on to the good things about mothers today and not the bad. Like I just did.
8 comments:
Way good post autumn! Having asher changed everything about my life and it hasn't been easy to accept. I was never very good with kids and it takes everything I've got to be a good mom for him. Don't be hard on yourself. Charlie is a great kid and someday he'll give you hallmark cards to show his appreciation;) Happy mother's day!
I was thrilled today to see a post from you in my feed reader. Since you're no longer under lock and key here, I was able to read it shortly after it posted without having to obsessively hit "Refresh" on your blog page.
I think this is a really well thought-out, intimate post. It's what blogging is all about. This is a sensitive issue (especially among Molly-Mormon types) that is probably more common an inner feeling than you think.
Take me for example. During one of my sessions with a psychologist (those were fun, I'll have to tell you many stories from these sessions), he brought up that family life is in direct conflict with my entire personality with one exception: my values. Because my values place a huge emphasis on family life, I have struggled to make it happen despite every other part of me screaming out in agony over every little aspect of it. From that point of view, it would seem that married life and fatherhood in general aren't such a great thing for me.
However, because of the ways in which these experiences have shaped me, and because of the little tweaks that I have had to effect in my character against several thousand metric tonnes of resistance, the single act of forming a family has given me more coping tools and growth opportunities than any number of millenniums in a session with a psychologist ever could have.
When faced with the question of what to do about my depressions draining me of all motivation to do even important things, the psychologist had just one thing to say: "Do it anyway." Sometimes our greatest growth comes from doing things that we don't want to do, that don't feel quite right for us, or that don't appear to have any potential to make us happy. Of course, the previous sentence is only true if that action is in line with our values.
P.S. I highly recommend you change the title of this blog before Charlie learns to read. Wouldn't want him figuring out the pecking order...
I remember once when my daughter was younger, my mom asked me if I liked being a mom. What kind of loaded question is that? I mean, if I say "No" then I'm some kind of horrible monster and at that point, I couldn't say "yes" and be 100% truthful.
I have come to learn that I'm not a great toddler mom. Newborns are okay, and ages 4 and up are much better, it's that 3 or so in-between years that have been hellish for me. My kids are NOT easy toddlers and there have been plenty of times I just haven't terribly enjoyed being a mom. And yet I know there's one more kid for us so I'm going to have to go through it again, knowing full well what I'm in for.
I struggle with my selfishness. I'm selfish with my time and I think that means that I'm not as good of a mom as I could and probably should be.
When Maren was 2 and an absolute terror I used to dream of the day when she would be in school full-time. Now I'm staring down that barrel and the thought of her being gone all day long in just a few months breaks my heart into tiny pieces. It also scares me to death because that means I have to be alone with Porter ALL DAY LONG and I'm not sure I can handle it.
Hang in there, Autumn. You're doing better than you think you are! It's a sad thing to me that I'll never get to meet that little delight you call Charlie. ;)
My dear your honesty is one of your best qualities. I'm moved.
In my opinion you are so much warmer than you percieve yourself.
Your child is well cared for and understands that you love him and he loves you.
You keep getting up and doing what needs to be done everyday. That is love.
i could have written kimberly's post myself. thank you for sharing, i feel like a know and understand you a bit better now.
Oh Autumn. Is it rude to say that I'm laughing? Not at your struggles but because you've put way to much into this matter. I just wish I could be there to hug you. Strange? You are not a bad mom.
Boy, do I know how you feel with all that boy stuff. :) Not to mention not wanting to have kids. I felt the same way. I tried to avoid babysitting (still do)and most things with little kids. But somehow I knew that someday I would be a mom. My mom even told me once that she was nervous after I had Liam because she didn't know how I would do. He's not completely screwed up.
Don't let other people decide for you on what kind of mom you are. I know some of my siblings even question me! Not to mention my lovely visit from DHS. I was so concerned what OTHER people would think. So get out! Get out from your parents! I've lived with the parents and I know how you feel. That alone will relieve so much of your feelings. I'm not kidding. I can testify to that one. Maybe it's why I still live in Knoxville?
Being a mom is a sacrifice. period. i start from day one trying to make them independent so i can do "my" things. marshall has about killed me. there are days i don't want to get out of bed. i don't care if he cries. he least still would try to look like june cleaver, i don't even care about that! (btw, your dress is super cute.)
i think one of the greatest lessons of learned kind of confirms renaissance man. . .do it anyway. i'm no where in my life where I thought i'd be. does it make it bad. no. does it test my faith? yes. but having that faith has given me the change of attitude that i needed to make sure my kids don't feel my insecurities. it does get better.
you don't have to love babies or little ones to be a good mom. there are so many other things that you can be for them. i believe you need Charlie as much as he needs you.
i need to stop rampbling because i'm not good at typing my thoughts. just call me. relieve your feelings. you'd be surprised we are not much different in this area.
Happy Mother's Day.
Thanks for your honesty. I always feel a little weird on Mothers Day too. I love my kids and I love being a mother, but I am nothing like the mother I thought I would be, so maybe I feel a little guilty about that. I am probably the friend you grew up with who wanted to be a mother when they grew up. Well, I got what I wanted and it is not quite how I thought it would be. I totally think I got postpartum after every baby. I have never been diagnosed, but that's how I feel. I can totally relate to how you feel (except the boy stuff). :) Thanks for being so open and honest. Sometimes it helps to know there are people out there who feel like you do. We are all just trying to do the best we can, and we should be a lot more understanding of others and ourselves. I love you!
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